Floridian Conditional

If you are a security guard, it is too dark for your human eye to see the last used beater from the glass-bottomed boat flotilla as it is being rowed away.

If you are the security guard or the boat owner or if you are the thief you will know that the floor of the stolen craft is scuffed milky from coral and the ocean's floor is no longer visible.

If you are the thief you will use this craft to fish the canals behind your house. Broken kiddy pool and alligator co-exist in that semi-ditch and you will bump up against both.

If you are a pedophile thief you will use the milky bottomed boat to take your twin teenage cousins on ocean picnics. Your girl cousins will be throwback bulimics. (You might wonder: Will they throw up over the side?)

If you are the cleverish thief you will have a flash of doubt, when you are driving to pick the sisters up, when your pal Greg yells, “We will anally devour them!” and beats the side of the car with the flat of his hand. But your doubt passes.

The water to your left sparkles because doubt passes.

If you are the thieving horny cousin you will ask the sisters to wear glass-bottomed underwear. The moisture on the glass of their panties will seem like a specimen — when the glass slot crotch is carefully removed from the rest of the underwear. “You seem very excited,” you will say — if you are the bad cousin — to the red haired one (the twins are/were identical, but one has dyed her hair).

If you are the bad cousin you are holding the glass slide overboard, rinsing it in salt water.

If you are the red-haired cousin, your skirt puffs like a yellow cotton tulip around your legs.

If you are the red-haired virgin you is…you are scared and fascinated by all his secondary sexual characteristics: chest hair, 5 o'clock shadow at 1 o'clock.

If you are the glass boat, sentient and abducted, will you wonder? “Can she smash her heel through the bottom of me? How fast will I fill? Will she swim back to shore in the sea she threw up in?” She will. She will. She will.